The topic of addiction is so ominous and looming. It feel so vast and uncertain, in-explainable and dark. Just search WordPress, and you will find blog after blog of hurting, suffering, lost, broken, depressed people whose lives are falling apart every day. It truly breaks my big bad biker heart.
I too struggle with many shapes and forms of addiction. My entire life I have battled an addictive personality. A little over 9 years ago I went clean off drugs. Over 6 months ago I was able to quit smoking. Both were cold turkey, difficult, and painful in a lot of ways. Yet I wrestle with other addictions that steal from my joy and happiness, but numb the pain, depression, anxiety, and PTSD.
Despite addiction, I see hope. Maybe it is only a faint glimmer, but it is there. I recently started going back to Celebrate Recovery and it has been a good support. It is not the answer, but it is a good aid.
In my life personally, I have always been a wanderer. Never happy or satisfied, always seeking the next best thing. Sometimes I wonder if that alone is an addiction in a way. I embrace certain types of change that tend to emphasize who I am. The mindset is very similar to that of the junkie looking for the next best fix. It can be reckless and dangerous, but also a strength that I think God can use.
This year I am setting out on a journey to discover who and what I am. I am spending the next several months taking care of my affairs, then leaving my job and home behind as I embark on a road trip to Redding, CA. In this time away, whether it be a month or two, I intend to blog daily and share what I am learning. Not necessarily for my readers, but because I want to be able to look back and see the progression, the progress, and how that all came about.
My search is for the unattainable. My desire is to find peace. As a very dear friend of mine (my former counselor) recently told me, “If you cannot find peace in God, then why don’t you go where God is and immerse yourself in His presence.” Such a simple thought, but potential for profound results.
Bethel Church is in Redding, CA. Years ago, I was given a word that I would need to visit this church at some point in my life to receive something God has for me. It has not been able to take place to date. But this year is different. There has been so much loss, heartache, struggle, confusion, and pain. Its like I have been burning both ends of the rope, yet still holding on while I am free-falling. So I believe the time is here. It will be me, my motorcycle, a backpack, and a sleeping bag traveling 1,000 miles. There is no certainty other than the destination. There is no place to lay my head at night, no guaranteed meal, no roof of the car if it rains.
Its a journey, an adventure of the unknown. A longing for a heart filled with peace.
I’m trying to wake up. After I wrote yesterday’s post, a brother of mine told to basically wake up and smell the coffee. I’ve been fighting such a losing battle, and I don’t know how to get out.
When I got home from work I was sitting down with a drink in hand and realized I am sick of this pattern that keeps surfacing over and over again. The unhappiness that haunts me daily, the lack of joy in my life, both terrify me.
I googled local CR programs, and low and behold there is one right down the street that started in 45 minutes. I swallowed the rest of my drink, invited a buddy to go with me, and got ready.
It was awkward, but good. Topic was on releasing control basically and embracing the changes God wants no matter how hard. We left. I went home, tried my hardest to pray, and read my dated reading that interestingly enough coincided with the group topic.
I don’t know. I fell asleep trying to pray. Does God really listen to me anymore? I woke up and tried praying again. Feel a little bit of peace, but so overwhelmed.