Be the change…

When I was a child, I always wanted to be a grown up, do my own thing, and defy the structure of the world around me with the supernatural power we called “being and adult.” Funny, I look back on my life and no matter what ridiculousness I had to go through to get to where I am today, those times seem so much simpler and understandable.
 
Today’s world is terrifying. So many unknowns, people hating and bashing others constantly for any little thing, random shootings, corrupt politics, etc you name it. Grant it, these have all been around since the beginning of time, but for some reason they continue to escalate.
 
There is a feeling in the pit of my soul that longs for a simpler life, a calmer time, a meaningfully rich existence. It makes me think about something too: why is it that we all cannot put aside our differences and live that kind of life where ever we are? It sounds like a tall order, but is it really??
 
Not to be cliche, but what if we all learned to love each other. It sounds great until you realize what that really involves. It is made up of random acts of kindness, putting down your cellphone and patiently listening to your babbling 3 year old, honoring and respecting our elders instead of being a know-it-all, and treating our annoying neighbor the way we want to be treated. The list goes on and on.
 
The arts of love and kindness are being lost and destroyed daily. We are so selfish wanting what we want out of life right now. When are we going to step back and ask ourselves where are we making a true difference in our communities that will better the existence of our children and grandchildren? What is it really going to take?
 
I know this is long, but just wanted to share some thoughts.
 
I have always said, be the change you want to see. I have not always taken my own advise. Here lately though I have have been, and I have seen some real changes. Changes in my attitude, the way I talk to people, interact with my kids, deal with my depression or anxiety, and even the path I am pursuing as my future. What if we all adapted to that mindset? What kind of dent could we leave in the world around us? Who cares about political correctness anymore.
 
You know what I gained? A little more clarity each day, a developing sense of accomplishment and healthy pride, the strength to stand up to situations that would beat me down, and a hope for the future. This is not a quick-fix for your life or selfish mentality/ambition. These are natural by-products of working towards change you want to see in your life and the world around you.
 

Addiction and a Journey

New definition for recovery from addiction has been releasedThe topic of addiction is so ominous and looming. It feel so vast and uncertain, in-explainable and dark. Just search WordPress, and you will find blog after blog of hurting, suffering, lost, broken, depressed people whose lives are falling apart every day. It truly breaks my big bad biker heart.

I too struggle with many shapes and forms of addiction. My entire life I have battled an addictive personality. A little over 9 years ago I went clean off drugs. Over 6 months ago I was able to quit smoking. Both were cold turkey, difficult, and painful in a lot of ways. Yet I wrestle with other addictions that steal from my joy and happiness, but numb the pain, depression, anxiety, and PTSD.

Despite addiction, I see hope. Maybe it is only a faint glimmer, but it is there. I recently started going back to Celebrate Recovery and it has been a good support. It is not the answer, but it is a good aid.

In my life personally, I have always been a wanderer. Never happy or satisfied, always seeking the next best thing. Sometimes I wonder if that alone is an addiction in a way. I embrace certain types of change that tend to emphasize who I am. The mindset is very similar to that of the junkie looking for the next best fix. It can be reckless and dangerous, but also a strength that I think God can use.

This year I am setting out on a journey to discover who and what I am. I am spending the next several months taking care of my affairs, then leaving my job and home behind as I embark on a road trip to Redding, CA. In this time away, whether it be a month or two, I intend to blog daily and share what I am learning. Not necessarily for my readers, but because I want to be able to look back and see the progression, the progress, and how that all came about.

My search is for the unattainable. My desire is to find peace. As a very dear friend of mine (my former counselor) recently told me, “If you cannot find peace in God, then why don’t you go where God is and immerse yourself in His presence.” Such a simple thought, but potential for profound results.

Bethel Church is in Redding, CA. Years ago, I was given a word that I would need to visit this church at some point in my life to receive something God has for me. It has not been able to take place to date. But this year is different. There has been so much loss, heartache, struggle, confusion, and pain. Its like I have been burning both ends of the rope, yet still holding on while I am free-falling. So I believe the time is here. It will be me, my motorcycle, a backpack, and a sleeping bag traveling 1,000 miles. There is no certainty other than the destination. There is no place to lay my head at night, no guaranteed meal, no roof of the car if it rains.

Its a journey, an adventure of the unknown. A longing for a heart filled with peace.

Wake up.

I’m trying to wake up. After I wrote yesterday’s post, a brother of mine told to basically wake up and smell the coffee. I’ve been fighting such a losing battle, and I don’t know how to get out.

When I got home from work I was sitting down with a drink in hand and realized I am sick of this pattern that keeps surfacing over and over again. The unhappiness that haunts me daily, the lack of joy in my life, both terrify me.

I googled local CR programs, and low and behold there is one right down the street that started in 45 minutes. I swallowed the rest of my drink, invited a buddy to go with me, and got ready.

It was awkward, but good. Topic was on releasing control basically and embracing the changes God wants no matter how hard. We left. I went home, tried my hardest to pray, and read my dated reading that interestingly enough coincided with the group topic.

I don’t know. I fell asleep trying to pray. Does God really listen to me anymore? I woke up and tried praying again. Feel a little bit of peace, but so overwhelmed.