Changes have slowly but surely been coming. Mostly good things. But something is still missing. Its like this feeling of being on the brink of a dam overflowing or bursting. The problem is you want it to burst, but if it doesn’t you encounter yet more disappointment.
My soul is restless. It wants more. It wants to be fulfilled. Maybe I am just impatient?
Oh that my borders would be expanded….
I feel lost today. It’s like everything I am trying to do is crashing over my mind like waves on the sharp rocks. Unhappiness, loneliness, shame, and worry are really eating me up in ways that make me want to give up.
After I got off work I sat on my couch and started watching TV. Kind of strange for me because I really do not watch much TV at all. There is just this ache in my chest, a loneliness, feeling homesick, but not really sure which home I feel sick for. What I would give to just have my little boy in my arms giving me one of his hugs. They seem to do the trick.
Turned the TV off. I know this funk all too well and I know that I can easily go crazy. I decided to go read my Bible, though I have to admit I do not feel much better, but it did give me something to think about. I read the portion slotted for today. It was about when David looked around his beautiful cedar home and decided he wanted to do something for God and build a temple for the Arc of the Covenant. Seemed like a pretty solid gesture.
God told him no. But God also told him that he was going to make his family great, and he would conquer all his enemies who apposed him. Wow. Must be nice to have a God do things like that for you. I can’t even get God to give me simple direction in life. Regardless I said a prayer. Still do not really feel any better about things. There are so many uncertainties. So many unanswered questions. So much fear.
I simply need Him to show up. I need some clarity. I need to start moving in SOME direction for crying out loud. I’m simply sitting here going stir crazy, but every time I try to make a move I get knocked down.
I’m trying to wake up. After I wrote yesterday’s post, a brother of mine told to basically wake up and smell the coffee. I’ve been fighting such a losing battle, and I don’t know how to get out.
When I got home from work I was sitting down with a drink in hand and realized I am sick of this pattern that keeps surfacing over and over again. The unhappiness that haunts me daily, the lack of joy in my life, both terrify me.
I googled local CR programs, and low and behold there is one right down the street that started in 45 minutes. I swallowed the rest of my drink, invited a buddy to go with me, and got ready.
It was awkward, but good. Topic was on releasing control basically and embracing the changes God wants no matter how hard. We left. I went home, tried my hardest to pray, and read my dated reading that interestingly enough coincided with the group topic.
I don’t know. I fell asleep trying to pray. Does God really listen to me anymore? I woke up and tried praying again. Feel a little bit of peace, but so overwhelmed.