In advance I would like to somewhat apologize for this post. It is not going to make much sense to most of my readers, and on top of that my brain is foggy from not feeling well. I hope and trust that everyone had a good Christmas! I know I did! Actually, I had a fantastic Christmas!
To get to the point, I am facing a huge spiritual and physical crossroad. This intersection is one I am going to take a great deal of time to consider and pray about persistently. I moved to Denver with an inspiring vision. To be completely frank, things have not gone at all the way I had imagined they would. In fact, since moving here, things have not gone the way I saw them at all. God has moved in ways that I would have a very hard time trying to explain. As I review over the last 6 months or so, I would venture to say that if nothing else, I have learned a great deal about myself, and what God expects of me in my daily life. I have also let go of a great deal that has separated me from knowing Christ in ways I could not before imagine. There are personal areas I have seen failure in as well, and the strengths I came out here with have turned weak in a lot of ways. In the last 2 months they have begun to once again gain strength, but in my heart I know that something is very lacking.
Purpose. What is my purpose? I have become involved in some great things that have long term, long lasting effects, but what about my day to day? Where do I see a change in how my daily life takes place? Well there have been quite a number of things that have changed, but not from the angle I am questioning. Where do I see a daily drive for God like the one I had when I moved out here? Sadly, it is missing. Everyday I groggily crawl out of bed, do my best to pump myself for a cold day at work, and work long hours. It is the same grind I have talked about since moving here. Living in Denver is so expensive that I feel I work every day to simply survive, instead of being able to manage time and resources to make a difference and have the energy to serve in the areas I would like. My prayer for over 2 months to God has been that of asking him for a specific direction; one of faith, hope, possibilities, and satisfaction for my soul.
After this past Christmas weekend, God has laid a tremendous burden on my heart. I know this is vague, but this burden involves relocating to yet another state, one I have no desire to call home. There is an amazing, potential opportunity to help a once thriving ministry flourish. That is really all I can say about it right now. God has given me some very specific and special talents that I could use to get something very important accomplished. Not only would I be doing what I love, but I would be helping people, reaching out to some very troubled youth and young adults, and using my talents for God. Interestingly enough, God has laid this same “burden” on a few other people that are key in my life and the situation.
What I am wrestling with is the thought that being here in Denver may have only been yet another stepping stone in the master plan. Does God have a completely different plan for me other than what I imagined? Denver has been such a good place for me to be! I love it here, and could not be happier in the physical sense, but my soul is lacking. My heart yearns for more, and longs to serve God to the fullest. It is why I was created. It is my destiny.
If I may impose, please pray for me. God has really been doing some fantastic things in my life the last few months, and I want to stay pliable to his leading, no matter how uncomfortable it may be. He has a great plan and purpose for me, and though I may not see the broad picture I need to trust him. As I go into the new year and the month ahead, I will be praying for God to clearly close and open some very specific doors. It will be based on this that I know his leading and direction for me.