Its been a while. Too long. Today is my first snow day here in Denver. They even had to stop work today because of it. I have been sitting around my house relaxing, cooking, and listening to music. My soul is heavy.
“What happened, Dave?” God, I don’t know. “Why did you let go of my hand?” I don’t know.
This is what has reeled in my thoughts all day. My soul is crying out for a freedom that I have not been allowing for quite some time. In the last few weeks I have had people verbally express how they admire me and how I am able to take leaps of faith with ease, seeming to have it all together. Nothing could be farther from the truth.
I apologize for all these random, strange thoughts, but my soul is heavy. Jesus is knocking. I am afraid. This song by Hillsong came on a few minutes ago and gave my spirit an energy boost that started blowing me away.
My demons have returned and I have allowed them to take control. In this process old struggles have surfaced, I have dethroned the Lordship of Christ, and I have hurt my relationship with God. I am ashamed of myself. What a fool am I.
But there is hope. Psalm 71 is a great encouragement, filled with hope.
1 I run to you, Lord, for protection.
Don’t disappoint me.
2 You do what is right, so come to my rescue.
Listen to my prayer
and keep me safe.
3 Be my mighty rock,t the place where I can always run
Save me by your command!
You are my mighty rock
and my fortress.
4 Come and save me, Lord God, from vicious and cruel
and brutal enemies!
5 I depend on you, and I have trusted you
since I was young.
6 I have relied on you t from the day I was born.
You brought me safely
and I always praise you.
7 Many people think of me as something evil.
But you are my mighty protector,
8 and I praise and honor you all day long.
9 Don’t throw me aside when I am old;
don’t desert me
when my strength is gone.
10 My enemies are plotting because they want me dead.
11 They say, “Now we’ll catch you! God has deserted you,
and no one can save you.”
12 Come closer, God! Please hurry and help.
13 Embarrass and destroy all who want me dead;
disgrace and confuse
all who want to hurt me.
14 I will never give up hope or stop praising you.
15 All day long I will tell the wonderful things you do
to save your people.
But you have done much more
than I could possibly know.
16 I will praise you, Lord God, for your mighty deeds
and your power to save.
17 You have taught me since I was a child,
and I never stop telling about
your marvelous deeds.
18 Don’t leave me when I am old and my hair turns gray.
Let me tell future generations
about your mighty power.
19 Your deeds of kindness are known in the heavens.
No one is like you!
20 You made me suffer a lot, but you will bring me
back from this deep pit
and give me new life.
21 You will make me truly great and take my sorrow away.
22 I will praise you, God, the Holy One of Israel.
You are faithful.
I will play the harp
and sing your praises.
23 You have rescued me! I will celebrate and shout,
singing praises to you
with all my heart.
24 All day long I will announce your power to save.
I will tell how you disgraced
and disappointed those
who wanted to hurt me.
Since I moved to Colorado I have been searching for the “next step.” The problem is that I have been looking in the wrong places, and from the wrong angle. My approach has been waiting for God to just do something and ride it out while I wait. It goes deeper than that but that is it in a nutshell. While being proactive in moving here was a great start, it was only the tip of the iceberg. God never asked me to stop being proactive when I got here. I voluntarily stopped, and in doing that my relationship with Him only began to suffer. Now as I look back on all the struggles I have had, I see it was Him trying to grab my attention in ways I could not see because I had stopped being proactive in my faith.
So simple, right? Yes, stupidly simple, but I am ridiculously hard headed. I have been called to a life of grace, love, and action. All of this is crashing in on me like a ton of bricks. Even as stupid as I feel, I am not going to let it drag me down.
I am calling my heart, mind, and soul to action. It is time to let God do some serious pruning in my life so I can grow stronger in my faith and calling. While I march forward I am going to let him prune and trim.
Prayer would be greatly appreciated. Confronting your demons face on is the toughest thing anyone can do. I am ready for freedom in areas that hold me back from the man I have been called to be.