I have to write. The anger inside is raging. The feeling of betrayal runs thick. The fear of what is to come haunts me. The frustration of fading security urks me. I must write.
All those feelings are mere glimpses of what I am going through. Here is the funny part though. Right in the center of all of it is a strange calm; one I have felt before.
My life has been an eventful one since I reached my home in Colorado. If one takes the time to read this meager blog it does not take much to figure that out. Something amazing happened this weekend, yet something devastating followed. I will start with the good news first.
As of today I am officially a Colorado resident, as I went to the DMV to obtain my new driver’s license. For the past several weeks, I have driven my junky 1993 Honda Civic in great fear, knowing the front end could snap on it at any time. I started fixing it last week, and soon realized it needed much more than I thought. My mind wandered, and somehow I ended up at a car dealership looking at trucks. After over eight hours at this dealership, I was blessed with a 2007 GMC Sierra 2500HD. It is a very nice white truck with an extended cab as well as four wheel drive. Well, I was completely thrilled until I took it to the gas station and it cost me $100 just to fill the tank!
Things were going great, and I took today off work so I could finalize all the paperwork for my truck and take care of some other things. I was getting ready to head to bed before my very early work morning when I heard my phone go off. It was my email. In this email was a note from my supervisor telling me the company I was working for decided to lay me off. No explanation whatsoever. Talk about being completely blown away out of the blue!
The initial shock was nothing short of despair and numbness. Thoughts of giving up quickly entered my mind. As I sat and just thought about things, something really started making sense. When I took this job originally I agreed to about $64k a year, all benefits paid. As a few weeks progressed our mandatory hours changed and my pay jumped to slightly over $72k per year, all benefits paid. It does not take a smart person to figure out that is great money in these tough times.
As I may have mentioned a long time ago, I actually turned this job down, three times. My greatest fear then was that my three to four hours of driving every day on top of my work day would interfere with my reason for moving to Colorado. Unfortunately I was very correct in my thinking. I have questioned, over and over again, why God had me at this job. I agreed to take the job to use it as a spring board for getting on my feet in Colorado. It definitely did just that. Now I am staring face to face with the situation of no employment, a new condo, a new truck with one hefty monthly payment, new bills, and various other scenarios all being jumbled together in the same pot.
Dear God, what in the world do I do? Just a little while ago, I hopped into my truck to go get some things from Walmart, and turned the radio on. I was not impressed with the local rock station’s song selection so I switched over to K-Love. This is the song that was playing…
I was on over load after this song. Honestly I still am. One thought is searing my brain right now: I have become way to comfortable. I have allowed my life to become so consumed with “life” that I have completely lost focus of the original plan. That makes me sad.
He is not my portion, provider, and closest friend anymore. I have embraced money, status, and irritability to keep me company. Going into this job I knew it was only for a season. I told multiple people that before I took it, but as my weeks progressed, I did not prepare for an ending point.
Would you believe that in mere hours, multiple doors, avenues, and possibilities have opened up? Do not misunderstand, I am still scared of the future to come, but there is a peace inside that knows God will not abandon me. He has set me up with some amazing people in my life who I am so thankful for and greatly cherish. He Himself is comforting me.
Here I go again into the world unknown, with nothing but the assurance of Christ’s love and care for me. That is so powerful. In a strange way I am excited to see what He has up His sleeve.