The weekend is over already. As I am typing this out, I am sitting on my return flight to home to Denver. So much happened this weekend, and as I sit back and dwell on it, I feel overwhelmed. It all went by way to fast.
Ethan and I had an amazing time together this weekend playing, travelling, and just being silly. He has gotten so big in the 8 weeks I have not seen him. I am so thankful for the bond him and I have. The things he says to me are precious, and just hearing him say, “Daddy, I love you sooooo much,” melts my heart. The main question I have been plagued with is, “Can I really do this for the next 14 years?” Is seeing him only once a month for a two to three day weekend really good enough? Now, thankfully as he get older, rules change and progress so I will definitely acquire more time with him, but what about while he is still so young and moldable? I feel like I am missing out on so many of his “firsts” and precious moments.
These questions have eaten away at me since I moved to Colorado, and were it not for the amazing events that God allowed to take place, I would not have had the courage to make the move. Why do these questions still linger though? Why do I still not have peace about all this after almost three months? I have no answer.
I also watched my sister get married this past weekend. It was a happy and hard time all at once. They are a very happy couple and I’m excited to watch them move on in their life together. On the flip side it is just a startling reminder that people change, fall away, and even disappear out of our lives.
Thousands of feet in the air, I sit and question my very existence and what I am doing. God so clearly laid out a direction for my life, yet I am at a loss as to what the next step is. There are issues and subjects I remain so conflicted on. I have needs and desires that I have yet to hear from God on.
It is not my intent to sound depressed or sad. Neither would describe me at all. I am simply in a state of loss and reaching out, and that is perfectly ok. I have not said this in quite a while, but I need God to show up in a very big way for me. Direction, answers, and renewal are greatly needed. As I look around at what all has been going on, I see that life has been very loud, maybe to the decibel of drowning out God’s voice. There are some other significant events that happened this weekend, and it is my prayer that since this weekend is over, life will quiet down, and even with my hard hearing I will be able to hear the still, small voice of Christ. I have heard it so many times before, and I desperately miss it.
Father, this is just me crying out, calling for you to show up for me in a mighty way. I am in need of answers and direction. You have brought me this far, please keep carrying me. In my weakness you are strong and powerful. In my strength you ARE that strength. Do not let me forget that.