I am in the mood to write tonight, but very unsure what all I want to say, so bare with me. One thing I have really enjoyed doing with this blog, now that it is somewhat established, is look back and re-read things I have written. There are a couple posts already in which I have mentioned this, but tonight I just felt the need to reflect.
As I read, I came upon this paragraph in May 24th’s post:
“What if I stumble, what if I fall…” Those lyrics by the Newsboys grab me. So much of my life has been outward success, but a great deal of personal failure. Here I am letting go of everything and everyone that is familiar to me and my daily life, embracing something completely new with no security, only an insane leap of faith. I have already had some people express their disgust or doubtfulness.
This paragraph makes me reminisce on the ecstatic excitement and fear I had at the thought of leaving Indiana. Seven weeks ago today, I departed from Indy. It feels like a lifetime. Tonight I miss my son tremendously, as well as several friends and family. Call it loneliness maybe, or maybe I feel a little lost, disorganized, and out of focus tonight. I am thankful I am taking a trip back there in just a couple weeks to visit and celebrate my sister’s wedding with her.
Those lyrics by Newsboys actually are haunting me a little. What if I fail? Am I off course? Have I lost the original vision God gave me when I moved here? Can God really use a guy like me? Is it all worth it? Would life be easier if I just gave up and do what I wanted? Why is obeying God so hard?
Now, do not worry, half those questions are not even legitimate. However, they are arrows that have been fired at me. Some of them I have had to pull out and dress the wound, others just hit the shield of faith. The point is, I have been asking God some very specific questions. I feel a twinge of doubt creeping in, and I do not like it. Yes, I feel very at home here, but am I too comfortable? There are more questions than I will bother to take the time to write down, but there are some particular ones I am really waiting for answers on. Some amazing things have been revealed to me, but I need more.
I know this post is not exactly upbeat, but there is no need to worry. In due time I really believe all will be revealed as it is needed.