A raging war

Every morning, for the past several days, there has been a raging war of conflict of spirit, doubt of decisions, and a struggle with letting go. Unfortunately this morning has been no exception. My mind cannot wrap around this process. Each day has been fantastic and full of newly acquired ground, and the negative mornings do not add up!

Maybe I should back up and make the announcement to those who do not follow me on Facebook. Allow me to share a note I posted for friends and family:

Dear Friends, 

I want to share with you all what is currently taking place in my life, and where I am headed.

For a long time I have been very unhappy and unfulfilled in my life. For a 24, going on 25, year old guy, I have this standard in my mind that is very high, that I have not achieved. The problem is that this standard is very materialistic, worldly, and well, comfortable. 

For as long as I can remember, I have also significantly struggled with my Christian walk. I easily get caught up in old ruts and ways of life. Most of the time, these ruts drag me down, sometimes they just trip me up.

In the past few months, and on a greater level in the last few weeks, I have gotten “down and dirty,” wrestling with my beliefs, life goals, and what it means to have a relationship with God. In doing this I discovered what a selfish person I really am. Maybe this action is not outward, but it is most certainly inward. I have become very aware and convicted of this. As a result, I have realized this too has also stood between me and an awesome relationship with my Creator.

The short version is that I am leaving Indiana in a leap of faith and obedience. I have no permanent home, no job, and no “set plan.” This may seem irrational to an extent, but I assure you its not. After much debate, counsel, and discussion, I firmly believe there is a solid path God has for me. My life is not about me, but about others. My purpose is to leave a legacy behind that shows pure faith, leaving a trail of love, mercy, and grace as I go.

In no way do I ask or expect all of you to understand this. I am headed for Colorado, currently the Denver area then possibly to Colorado Springs. Nothing is certain or set in stone other than I am leaving very soon after the 5th of June. I would like to ask you all to keep me in your thoughts and prayers! There is a lot to do, figure out, and consider as I prepare to leave. There are some things I plan on selling, and other things I plan on giving away, so please watch for a list in the near future. 

I’ll do my very best to keep you all updated of what is going on and my whereabouts. 🙂 If anyone would like to hang out before I leave PLEASE get in touch with me!!! My cell is ***-***-****, you can call or text. 

Love you all!

So there you have the general scoop of things. Believe me, there is much detail involved, and there is a LOT happening, particularly in Colorado that I cannot wait to become a part of, I simply do not have to time to share it all. Yesterday I had a conversation with a very Godly friend of mine. He was a great encouragement to me, and I received heavy confirmation of my decision to move.

Despite the confirmation I received, I also got a very serious warning: things are only going to get harder, more challenging, and the spiritual attack will increase drastically as I seek to leave everything behind and pursue whatever ministry Christ has for me. He told me that particularly in Colorado Springs, things are happening that are both incredible and terrifying spiritually. I trust and respect this mentor of mine to the highest degree, and I know when he tells me something, he is not joking. The scary reality is that he is most likely undermining the situation to an extent.

“What if I stumble, what if I fall…” Those lyrics by the Newsboys grab me. So much of my life has been outward success, but a great deal of personal failure. Here I am letting go of everything and everyone that is familiar to me and my daily life, embracing something completely new with no security, only an insane leap of faith. I have already had some people express their disgust or doubtfulness.

I wish I had time to write out all the tiny details I could never work out myself that God has already taken care of. It blows me away when I think about it. Despite that I struggle with doubt?? What is up with that? I found this verse the other day that has been a great encouragement to me.

You keep him in perfect peace
whose mind is stayed on you,
because he trusts in you.
Trust in the Lord forever,
for the Lord God is an everlasting rock. 
~ Isaiah 26:3-4

I have been reading through Isaiah now for almost a week, and there is so much in there that has encouraged me. When I think of Isaiah, I immediately think of the angel that touched his lips with a hot coal when he told God he was a man of unclean lips. That is me. I have so many “defects” that it confuses me why God would want to take such an interest in me. Yes I know its “for His glory” but sometimes that answer sounds too cliche. 
This morning I found out something that tripped me up. All I will say is I was very disappointed in someone I care a lot about, and the attack immediately launched on me was a taunting that maybe my prayers are not being heard. I have wrestled with that all morning. The reality is that my prayers have very well received, and I need to not be so quick to judge or jump to a conclusion I cannot possible make due to my position. 
I digress. As I finish out this day, I am looking for the movement of God Himself. 
As I finish this post, with Misty Edwards’ I Will Waste My Life playing in the background, these very appropriate lyrics are hitting my ears.
I am in love with You, There is no cost
I am in love with You, There is no loss
I am in love with You, I want to take Your name
I am in love with You, I want to cling to You Jesus
Just let me cling to You Jesus

3 thoughts on “A raging war

  1. Wow! Dave, this is very exciting! I'm happy that you are taking on a new challenge in your life and moving to Colorado. Good for you! I believe God has some amazing adventures out there for you. You always felt led to the rockies and I'm glad you are finally finding your way. I'm sure Ethan is going to miss you and so will I (even though I haven't seen you in almost a year!) I will be praying for you on this journey. Continue to seek Him in all you do and He will bring you through every obstacle. 🙂 Much love to you, Dave!


  2. I just stumbled across your blog. =)

    I searched and searched for many years always looking for the elusive Christian pinnacle and never found it. Never. We lived overseas as missionaries and somehow I could never find God's perfect will for my life and I was stumbling and struggling through life. Then suddenly I realized something. Those standards that I had made were not God's standards. They were MINE. And I realized that I was smack dab in the middle of exactly where God wanted me. The devil had me on a rabbit chase.

    I'm not saying that is where you are at. Not at all. I just wanted to share my heart with you. For myself,I tend to always look to the future… a better job… a better work for the Lord… a new church for my hubby and I to pastor… when we get to have so much money we will be able to do this or that..etc… But I realized we were robbing ourself of enjoying THIS present moment because we thought we weren't satisfied due to our self imposed expectations.

    It was a sweet moment of tranquility when I could finally relax and live for God in the here and now. I wish you well on your journey.

    Sorry for my rambling… it's late in my part of the world and I've got to go to bed. I wish you well in your journey!


  3. @Marie – Thank you!

    @Me – Thank you so much for your insight. I appreciate you bringing that aspect to the table! I think as Christians we all do that very thing a lot, however in my case, I have been trying to AVOID the will of God. When I started seeking God's will for my life, I looked around me, and He used me in a lot of ways right where I am at. Now I feel he has some other plans for me, and His leading has become very clear! 🙂


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