Dear God in heaven, where do I start? How do I begin to explain the thoughts and ideas swirling around in my head? I am so scared. So excited. So overwhelmed. Something just clicked between my heart, mind, and soul. I won’t lie, I’m scared to share it, for fear someone might think I’m insane.
I finished Crazy Love today. It takes a lot for a “tough guy” like me to cry, but there was no stopping the tears that flowed as I read the last two chapters, especially chapter nine. It was in this chapter that Chan shut up, and did nothing but allow the people he wrote short biographies on to reflect the love, intimacy, and passion of Jesus Christ. One of them actually hit pretty close to home: Rich Mullins. I’ve never met the guy in my life, but he was the brother of Dave Mullins, my former pastor who baptized me about two years ago. Chan explained how just a handful of people made staggering differences in the world around them, because they stopped living for themselves, and lived to share the love of Christ. I was beyond moved. Actually I became envious of these people. They all lived hard, rough lives, yet they all died (or will die) fulfilled and happier than I could even begin to imagine.
Everything is still digesting. I have been wrestling so hard with God to let go of so many things. After reading and swallowing everything, none of the issues I have been wrestling with seem to even matter. They are all selfish.
Selfishness. AAGGHH! That emotion makes me want to just scream. It has defined who I am for so long!! It makes me angry to think about! I have LET it define me, yet it is NOT who I am. In Christ I am a NEW creation (2 Cor. 5:17)!!
Plans are being formed quickly, yet I do not want to act on emotions and feelings, I want to act on His leading. Some very prominent themes from the Bible are sticking out, and as I put them together they start forming a picture. This picture is looking more and more like Christ, and I am fading out quickly. Things like financial security, material possessions, and personal goals are also fading away. What if I was being called to do nothing but serve Him? Sell everything I own that I do not need, find exactly where He wants me to be, and live to love and serve others, full time. It is a crazy thought. Terrifying actually.
I am convinced that there is so much more to this life than just me and my problems, goals, or dreams. Where do I want to be when Jesus gets back? What do I want to be doing? Will I be chilling in my living room having a beer and watching TV? Or will I be busy in my living room, on my knees in prayer, devoting every breath to Him? Have I lost it? Maybe. It overwhelms me with a feeling of purpose. Being committed to just Him, taking every step by faith with confidence. I have never committed to anything or anyone in this manner in all of my short existence.
Lately I have been listening to a lot of worship music, and there are many songs I could mention that have spoken tremendously to me. This song by Hillsong though is powerful, and is quickly becoming my theme song.
All I know for certain at the moment is that it is time to bring the new Dave to the forefront and allow God to have his way. I do not particularly know what that looks like just yet, but I am about to find out. Something just clicked inside me I can not fully explain. Maybe I do not even fully understand it, but I want to. The love He has for me is so deep. After the way I have shamed Him, blasphemed His name, and pounded the nails in His hands over and over again, HOW could He still pour out His love for me? He owns me. So with all my heart and all my soul, with all I am, Lord take me and use this imperfect man for whatever you want. I do not want the safe road, I want the GOOD road.
When I stand before the Judgement Seat of Christ, I want to hear a grand “Welcome home” and know that I lived the rest of my life for His glory alone. I have wasted almost 25 years of my life piddling around. It is high time I got busy.
Father, take me and make me the man you desire. Pull my heart close to yours, and tune it to the same beat. I’m yours, and at this point of my life that is ALL that matters. Lead me anywhere you want me. It can be here, or anywhere. Give me the strength to take up my cross every day and carry it with no shame, no regret. Guide my steps, secure my path, and pick me up when I stumble. Guard my eyes. Focus my mind. Sharpen my sword. Above all, humble me, and strip me of my selfishness and pride.