I waste time on myself

I truly believe that about 90% of the time truth hurts, or at least is very uncomfortable. Chapter 2 of Crazy Love has only further confirmed this.

After reading this chapter, I fell asleep in my bed with one thought: I am a selfish prick. It seems to be a continuous theme lately. I want to open with a quote that Francis Chan used by Frederick Buechner:

“Intellectually we all know that we will die, but we do not really know it in the sense that the knowledge becomes a part of us. We do not really know it in the sense of living as though it were true. On the contrary, we tend to live as though our lives would go on forever.”

Stop and re-read that statement a couple of times. Then think about it for a minute and try to fully grasp what Buechner just said. Didn’t Jesus command us to help the widow, feed the poor, clothe the naked, and minister to those in prison? How often do I do that? Never. Guess who I live my life for? Me; as if my life and future is all that matters. In fact it is generally all about me (with the exception of helping friends once in a while or taking care of my son). When do I go out of my comfort zone and live for a greater cause other than myself? I don’t. I live my life in a way that will bring me comfort or glory.

As Chan clearly brings to light, in 50 years from now, no one will hardly know who I am or remember what I have done. No one will care about my accomplishments or pursuits. As depressing as that sounds, it is true. I stress and worry about my life and where I will be in a year or five years from now. Jobs, money, relationships, and other circumstances consume me as I walk about my day. Folks, I’m at a crossroads as I continue here. Allow me to quote Chan again:

“Both worry and stress reek of arrogance. They declare our tendency to forget that we’ve been forgiven, that our lives here are brief, that we are headed to a place where we won’t be lonely, afraid, or hurt ever again, and that in the context of God’s strength, out problems are small, indeed.”

This frustrates me to think about and wrap my mind around. I am so guilty of stressing and worrying about my life. If I look back over the last many years, I have seen God take care of my needs over and over and over again! Why would I remain so bull headed in thinking He will let me down if I don’t stress and worry? I’m a fool. I am but a micro-speck in the timeline of this universe, and I live like I am number one. Chan told a story of a girl that broke my spirit. At twelve this girl wrote an essay saying what she was going to do with her life. It was bold and selfless, and she had great plans to serve God. At the age of fourteen she died in a car accident, yet she reached more people’s souls than I will ever hope to. Over 1,500 people came to Christ through this girl and her testimony. She had a heart for God and constantly acted upon it. She didn’t hold back. She put herself aside and proclaimed Christ with every ounce of her fourteen years of being. She was on fire, and only God could snuff her out.

I’m convicted and compelled. You know, in the last couple weeks I have really lost motivation for being in school. It’s hard to work 40 hours a week while staring at a computer, then go home and sit at a computer for a few more hours. Why did I start going back to school? Because I reached a radical point in my faith last year and knew that God wanted me to go into not just a career, but a life calling of serving Him and helping others. In the scope of things this task feels so futile and useless, but to view it that way is like telling God that He isn’t greater and bigger than any plans I have. I don’t know what all God has planned, but lately He has been giving me some visions and goals to work toward in the next two years, and they terrify me. I could so easily ignore Him and walk my own road, but I know that would be a life unfulfilled and worthless. I have found motivation to work harder at school and allow Him to work out some key details in my life.

In the mean time, I am going to rejoice, in my pain and suffering as well as my blessings! I have been called to rest in His hands and be thankful for all my situations.

Today I am thankful for the amazing job that He has blessed me with and the greater responsibilities that are being handed to me after only two weeks of employment. I also am thankful for the tough pruning that He is doing in my life, for removing several people from my life, and for the changes He is working in my heart and mind that are not comfortable. He has a master plan, and I am thankful that He knows what is best for me. I am thankful for the strength He has given me to turn the pages of this book Crazy Love. I have put it off for fear of change for so long now.

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